Friday, May 22, 2009

Unresolved Feelings

I broke up with my ex-bf last summer. We were living together, and I moved out the first week of September, right after Labor Day. It's been 9 months...I was feeling good, thinking I had resolved all my feelings about the issue. I even tried casually dating someone, but that didn't work out 'cause he was/is retarded, and that in itself is a blog entry.

Last night, I went home and had a "me" evening. Lit my candles (I used to sell Partylite and I have boxes of stuff left over), had my wine, and fell asleep feeling nice and relaxed, around 9:30 p.m. What wakes me up at 2:30 a.m.? A dream about the ex. About seeing him out in public with the woman that he cheated on me with, and him finally admitting that he did cheat and that they had started a relationship before ours ended. The dream ended up with me ripping him a new one...I mean I have never cussed anybody out like that before, and that's what woke me up. I wouldn't be surprised if I was talking in my sleep. The dream was weird though, because the woman in the dream was NOT the chick he allegedly cheated on me with - it was somebody else that I know from skating. Weird! Anywho, I said "allegedly" because he will say to this day that he never did anything wrong...but that's another story for another blog.

I'm mad that I'm still mad about this thing! It's not a matter of wanting to get back with him, because I don't. He tried (back in the fall), and I made it clear that the trust was gone and there was no point. I'm not in love with him anymore. I think I'm just still angry. I'm angry about everything that went down. It was just so useless! It didn't need to be that way.

I want this anger gone. I know that I can't move on until it is gone. And it's not like it's there all the time (or maybe it is, and it's just repressed), it just seems to rear it's ugly head at random occasions. Au Naptural wrote a blog about giving up the things that weigh us down, because otherwise we won't be able to fly. That is totally on point. So why can't I give up the anger? I don't know. I guess I just need to pray about it. Y'all pray for me, too.


Au Naptural said...

"but that didn't work out 'cause he was/is retarded"

Why am I sitting here seriously cackling? Ok, back to the rest of the post...

I've finally gotten to the point where I can think about The Ex and not be angry or want to cuss. You'll get there too. Prayer sent.

Marilie said...

Girl, he was and is! Just dumb. He doesn't know what he wants...I don't even have time for that. Yet it was him who stepped to me. Just nonsense.

Thanks for the prayer. :)

Serenity3-0 said...

I'm not angry with Walter, but it still makes me sad. I haven't gotten over the deception yet.

Marilie said...

It's probably a combination of sadness and anger, but right now it's mostly anger. It will probably fade to sadness, and then go away. This was our second go-round at this, and he presented like he had gotten himself together.