Feelings

That dang S23...always got me thinking about stuff. LOL!

Today, she wrote a post about how something someone says to you in your past, can continue to haunt you. You're conscious about it, but not sure what to do to break the thoughts.

I used to date this guy - I'll call him, The Mason. The Mason had some insecurities of his own. Which I knew about, and tried my best to assure him that those things he was worried about were not an issue with me. It didn't really matter.

Anywho, one of the commenters at S23's spot mentioned that she had dated someone in the past who said that she was overly-emotional. So that made me think of The Mason. He really didn't show his emotions that much.

One day, shortly after I got the Max-initi, I was driving through the countryside of Henry County, on my way to the WalMart in Stockbridge. I hit this &^%$*! pothole and it took out my right front tire. I mean, took it OUT. Bent the ($900) rim and messed up the tire. I pulled to the side of the road and into this church parking lot. People were coming out of this church, but no one really offered to help. Finally, the pastor himself came out and he offered to help me change the tire.

Problem? We couldn't find the key for the wheel locks. Why someone would want to steal some factory rims off a Maxima I do not know (oh wait - 'cause they cost $900 to replace!)...but all the wheels have a lock. We searched the trunk, the glove compartment, everywhere - we could not find that dang lock.

I thanked him for his help, and told him I'd just figure out something else to do. Now this was a Sunday. The Mason always used Sundays as his veg out days. So he'd go to the movies or do whatever. Fine. No biggie. I enjoy my alone time. When I first hit the hole, I called him and left a message to the affect of, "hey...you're probably at the movies so you may not hear the phone, but I just hit a pothole..." I didn't expressly say, "call me back because I need help" - but whatever I said (this was 2006 so I don't remember exactly) conveyed that I clearly needed help.

By the time we finished trying to change the tire, he STILL hadn't called. I call him, get voice mail, hang up. Call back. Rinse, repeat. I had to call my friend D and have him look up towing companies for me (I didn't have a smart phone back then), and I called one and had them come en route to tow the car to the Nissan dealership.

Finally, this BAMA calls me back. I'm like, dude - really? When have I ever just called and hung up, called and hung up? Why didn't you call me back?? His answer was, that I didn't say I needed him to call back.

*crickets chirping*

Then he's telling me how I need to take down his dad's number, because his dad lived the next town over and could have helped. Fool, I called YOU! I don't care about your Dad's number! What the deuce?!?

So the whole way back to his house I'm just steaming. Like, I can't believe I'm calling you and calling you, and I guess you called yourself ignoring me. What if I was on the side of the road in Klan Country? Then what? By the time we get to the house I'm just livid. I'm not speaking at all.

He goes in the room, and he's watching tv. I come to the door. I think he asked me about where the car was towed to, or something. I don't even remember. Eventually, I tried to talk in a calm, even manner and ask him WHY he would just be ignoring my calls, etc. I started crying. I cry when I'm sad, but I also cry when I'm angry. This was one of those angry times. Meanwhile, this jackwagon is looking at me like I've sprouted a 3rd eye on my forehead, and his response to this is, "well why are you crying? You just get so emotional and it's not anything to cry about."

Really?

OK. Needless to say, he was fired shortly after this. The next day, he had to leave out of town on a trip. I woke up feeling like crap and called in to work. I couldn't go anyway, 'cause Nissan had my car. When they called me, I just told them to go ahead and replace the rim. Now, I work in insurance. I know all about refurbished wheels. But I didn't have time to be calling around to find one, and I just needed my car back. You can't live on the outskirts of ATL without a vehicle, man.

He calls later that day, and I tell him they're replacing the rim and the tire and it will cost $X. He's like, "well you just do stuff without thinking. That's a lot of money. You could have gotten a used wheel...blah blah blah." I cut him off. Um, are you here? You got all this advice, did YOU call and try to find me a wheel? No? OK. Get off my phone. I'M PAYING FOR IT. I haven't asked you for anything. Peace out."

Before this whole thing, I never felt like I had to hold in emotions or keep them in check. After that, I was leery of a guy thinking I was too emotional. Even with E, the last person I was serious with before LDR, same thing. And like S23 said, "why?" Why should we have to censor who we are? I'm mad that I even entertained that fools thoughts about how *I* should feel about things and how I should react.

Just another reason to be thankful for LDR. He just gets it, and he gets me. Like, the whole mini-meltdown. Who knows what The Mason and E would have said/done in that situation. LDR just took it in stride and let me be me. And I've realized that I don't have to worry about hiding my emotions with him, and he doesn't hide his with me.

I am really going to sit back and think if I'm letting myself be affected by anything else that any of these prior jackwagons have said. I don't want to be bringing excess baggage into my current relationship. I'm glad S23 wrote about this today.