Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I've been thinking...

...about this whole "being a mother" idea of mine. If you had asked me in my 20s, I might have said, "absolutely not!" And for the last couple of years, I've been leaning more towards "maybe" and "yes."

But now, as I approach my 35th birthday (in January), I'm leaning more towards, "it's not going to happen." I feel like this for several reasons. First and foremost, I'm hitting that magical age where you become elderly in terms of maternity. Extra tests for the baby, extra risks for you and the baby...truly frightening. I know that plenty of women have had babies over 35 - heck, over 40 - with no issues. But it is definitely a concern.

Secondly, this dating scene out here? Straight DISMAL. I've met maybe one guy whom I can envision as father material. And the older I get, the less likely I am to meet someone who has no kids. Cheryl was telling me she read an article about Black women and marriage, and it stated that in the 70s, most children were being raised by a mother and a father. Today's stat is that 70% are being raised by single women. That increases the chances of meeting a man who has drama with the mother of his children. I don't know if I'm ready to even deal with that.

Third, I enjoy my "me" time. I really do. I know that sounds selfish, but I can admit it. All my friends with kids - whether they are married or single - all say they need about 10 more hours in the day. I like that I can work a bit of OT if needed, without worrying about daycare time limits. I like being able to leave work and go for a 4 mile run, without needing a Franklin Planner to set the time aside (do they still use Franklin planners? I remember they were all the rage when I was in INROADS, LOL). I have a few friends who would like to start working out and doing things for their mental, spiritual, and physical health, and they just simply do not have the time. After work their evenings are consumed with pickups from day care, homework, dinner, cleaning up, putting kids to bed...I admire all of them because I just don't understand how they get it all done. I guess I'm scared I WON'T be able to get it all done. People say, when you have kids you just do it. Just like when I tell my mom that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, and she says, "when you have a baby you'll see, it will kick in." And I look at her and say, "uh huh...ok."

I don't know. I know this all could change if I meet the right man. But right now, I don't think it's going to happen...and I don't know how I feel about that.


Serenity3-0 said...

I so wish you could have met the Pre-Tyler Val. I wish I had been blogging back then. To put it mildly, when I told my linesisters I was pregnant, they were scared for hte baby. They asked if i was sure. I'm sure they wanted to ask me "Why are you keeping it?" I was truly the example of the party girl. Out everynight even school nights drunk. Always hungover for work. Always living check to check b/c i needed outfits for all those club appearances. LOL! I didn't even own a tv Cass b/c I was never at home. Damn, life was fun... Anyway, I was mad at Tyler for about the first 6 mos of my pregnancy. I kept blaming him for ruining my life. Thinking my life was gonna end and I didn't want it to. Well I started planning for a baby. Besides, he didn't deserve a piss poor mom. He didn't ask to come here. When he showed up, he was all I had thought about for 9 mos. I had been diligent with saving. i had decorated his little room and I was truly a momma bear. Any daycare worker that looked like she hadn't handled my baby with care would have gotten a beat down. I say all of that to say, if I can change, YOU can change. Just like you are disciplined with your running, hair, taking 50 million vitamins, you'd be the same way with your child.

Marilie said...

LOL @ no TV and 50 million vitamins (which I have not taken for the past month - slacker!).

My rational mind knows that I would work it out, but sitting here thinking about the details is just...scary. I honestly think if I do have a child it will be an 'oops' moment 'cause I just can't see me actually planning it out.

Tazzee said...

I am the exact opposite - all through my 20's and early 30's I desperately wanted a family. So much so, that I planned for it. Paying debt, learning to cook 'family meals', buying a reasonable car, not shopping a lot - all in the name of prepping myself for life as a wife and parent.

Two things happened that changed my mind. First, I started living - I started traveling and enjoying my life. Just as I was getting accustomed to my new 'life' I became the guardian for my nephew for almost a year. An instant single parent of an 8 year old. My life became the one that you mentioned: getting him ready for the day - work, picking him up from school, homework while I cooked dinner - then baseball practice, then home and I was DONE! Granted I was single, but all I knew is that I wanted my 'life' back. When my nephew went to go live with my sister again I felt like I really didn't want kids, but I would if my husband wants one. And most men I dated that didn't have kids DEFINITELY wanted them.

Now, I flat out don't want to have children. I don't want to be 60+ when my child is going to college. I love lazy mornings with my fiance' - without hearing the patter of little feet that need to be fed. I used to joke that I wanted a man that had kids already - preferably age 13 and up because the age when you can legally leave them home alone.

When I met my fiance' his youngest was 13 and he expressed that with 4 kids, he didn't want anymore.

I love him so much that if he did want one, I would give him one, but I've also told him that if he ever leaves, he's taking the child with him, LOL. I'm sure that I could be a great mom, I just don't want to.

I've been called selfish quite a few times, but that's OK.

sorry for blogging in your comment section

Marilie said...

Girl, it's ok. Sometimes I blog in folks' comments, lol!

See, I don't know if it's selfish...if you already know you don't want to do it, it wouldn't make sense to bring a child into the mix. :)