You know how when you're single, it's hard to find someone worthy of dating...and then when you're in a relationship, folks come out of the woodworks? That's how it seems to be with my job situation.
I promise you, the MINUTE I began giving serious thought to going back to NY, here come the job opportunities. LOL! First, I got a call from a manager I had done a phone interview with previously. She called and told me about a position out of her office, but she wasn't sure if it could be worked from a remote location. She said she'd check with her managers at the end of the week and let me know. I hadnt heard anything before yesterday, so I assumed it wasn't available anymore. Yesterday, my current manager asked me if I had applied, and asked me to forward the confirmation email. Still waiting to hear on that.
Then a workers comp adjuster who previously worked for my company, sent an email to someone who still worked for us, asking her to find out if any liability adjusters were looking as they had a position open. I forwarded my resume last Friday. So did another co-worker. We both had interviews today. I kept hearing things about this position that were making me think twice about applying, but what I was told in the interview made me feel much better. It's on a different side of town but the commute wouldn't be bad.
On Tuesday, my old supervisor called me and said that she was asked for recommendations for another internal position, and she wanted to know if I was interested. I told her I'd like to know more about it, and the next morning after yoga class, I spoke with a manager in that department. What she told me piqued my interest, so I applied yesterday morning. Today, the director called me to do a phone interview, but I missed him. I left him a message this afternoon.
Things like thtis always make me say, "really?!?" My friend Stacy says this is the universe telling me I need to stay in Charlotte. She refuses to discuss relocation with me. LOL! LDR says, "do what you gotta do, babe."
So, what I gotta do is wait and see how this all plays out. :)
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Changes, Changes, Changes
So if we're friends on FB or Twitter, you know I got the news Monday that I'm going to be laid off in February. The account I handle claims on has decided that they are going to handle their own claims in house.
Now, they will have some positions up there, but frankly from wh at I've heard, I would not want to work for them directly. Reduction in pay, reduction in vacay time, totally different and very rigid culture. Uh, no. Sigh.
This economy makes it so hard because the choices are limited. It's almost like you are just caught between a rock and a hard place. You have to fight like mad to find something halfway decent, or just take what you get and be miserable.
I'm weighing options right now, including a move back to New York, since LDR hasn't been able to get his transfer down here. Honestly, if it wasn't for JUST getting the rental house, my immediate answer would be load up the truck and get on back to NY so I can get on with the rest of my life. I don't know what kind of life I'd have in Syracuse, and I certainly never envisioned returning...but at least I'd be with the one I love.
Then there is always the option of Virginia, because that's where my sisters are. They have room for me and I know they'd help me until I find another position and get my own place. That's a little closer to NY than I am right now, but without all the ridiculous snow.
People keep asking, "what are you going to do?" Um, I just found out on MONDAY - I have not made any decisions as of yet! LOL! I'm just letting the news sink in. It's funny because many people I'm close to are going through changes and it seems like we're all searching for the stability we once had.
Now, they will have some positions up there, but frankly from wh at I've heard, I would not want to work for them directly. Reduction in pay, reduction in vacay time, totally different and very rigid culture. Uh, no. Sigh.
This economy makes it so hard because the choices are limited. It's almost like you are just caught between a rock and a hard place. You have to fight like mad to find something halfway decent, or just take what you get and be miserable.
I'm weighing options right now, including a move back to New York, since LDR hasn't been able to get his transfer down here. Honestly, if it wasn't for JUST getting the rental house, my immediate answer would be load up the truck and get on back to NY so I can get on with the rest of my life. I don't know what kind of life I'd have in Syracuse, and I certainly never envisioned returning...but at least I'd be with the one I love.
Then there is always the option of Virginia, because that's where my sisters are. They have room for me and I know they'd help me until I find another position and get my own place. That's a little closer to NY than I am right now, but without all the ridiculous snow.
People keep asking, "what are you going to do?" Um, I just found out on MONDAY - I have not made any decisions as of yet! LOL! I'm just letting the news sink in. It's funny because many people I'm close to are going through changes and it seems like we're all searching for the stability we once had.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wise Words
Happy Saturday, Bloggers!
I'm resting today and trying to do a little detox. Too much sugar and processed foods during the week, and I feel like a mess.
I didn't have much to say, but I did want to share some excellent advice from someone I really respect and admire. Way back when I first went natural, my friend Rob said, 'you need to let Tinesha do your hair.' I had no idea what I was doing, but for some reason I never did take him up on that.
Fast forward to 2011, and not only is Tinesha the bestest loctician EVAH, through her I've met two other wonderful ladies - Jessica and Kelley. These three women have the greatest spirits - I knew it from the first time I met them. There is just something about them. They make me laugh. They make me think. And every time I leave their salon, I just feel better. I mean, of course my hair is on point, but I just feel better INSIDE.
Take a gander at her post about letting the RIGHT people into your inner circle.
Namaste. :)
I'm resting today and trying to do a little detox. Too much sugar and processed foods during the week, and I feel like a mess.
I didn't have much to say, but I did want to share some excellent advice from someone I really respect and admire. Way back when I first went natural, my friend Rob said, 'you need to let Tinesha do your hair.' I had no idea what I was doing, but for some reason I never did take him up on that.
Fast forward to 2011, and not only is Tinesha the bestest loctician EVAH, through her I've met two other wonderful ladies - Jessica and Kelley. These three women have the greatest spirits - I knew it from the first time I met them. There is just something about them. They make me laugh. They make me think. And every time I leave their salon, I just feel better. I mean, of course my hair is on point, but I just feel better INSIDE.
Take a gander at her post about letting the RIGHT people into your inner circle.
Namaste. :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Moving Into New Spaces
Moving into the rental house has been a blessing, and I'm enjoying my new space (although, sometimes it can be a little TOO quiet, lol). There's something about moving into a new space that is just exciting for me. New challenges, a change from the norm. Maybe it's the Aquarius in me. As a child I was always changing my room furniture around. My mom used to say, "if you move that furniture one more time it's gonna fall apart!" Of course, now that I'm older, my furniture is much heavier so I can't move it like I used to. But I enjoy changing up what I can.
In my yoga classes, my teachers are always challenging me to move into new spaces. To expand my flexibility and build strength. When I started, lots of poses had to be modified because of my inflexibility, or my myriad injuries (lol). Now that I'm stronger and a little healthier, I try to do the full expressions of poses whenever I can. I don't put my knee down in side plank anymore. I try to open my arms when I'm in my chair with a prayer twist. I reach for the floor in my side angle pose instead of resting my forearm on my quad. I love to feel my practice expand.
As far as my career, I've been in the same space for a minute now. The company I've been working for since 2008 was bought out by another company in our industry. The culture of the old company and the culture of the new company are like oil and water. Total opposites, and they do not mix. It's going to be a drastic change. And it's not one I'm sure I want to be a part of. Everything ain't for everybody...the older I get, the more I understand that phrase. They've pretty much showed us that they don't really care about the people. It's very "like it or lump it." Well, in a recession, most folks are not in a position to lump it. I can just see that it would eventually drain my spirit, which is no bueno. I desire to move up in the ranks, but I don't know if this is the place to do it. Do I really want to (essentially) start over somewhere else?
On a whim, I did post for an internal position, but I was really debating about what I'd do if they DID offer it to me. They call it a "lateral move," because they say that our job grades/pay grades from the old company are much higher than theirs. Translation: we'll move you to this position and give you more work, but we're not going to give you a raise. This internal position involves some files that are in litigation. I've had a small amount of litigation experience; the problem with positions that involve litigation is that they already want you to know how to handle litigated files. OK, well how can I learn if no one will give me the chance?
I kicked azz on the phone interview, and according to my current manager, they "loved" me, but their only concern is the litigation experience. *crickets chirping* You can pretty much teach anyone anything, unless you're just dealing with someone who has no ability to retain information. I'm not that person. Everyone I've worked under will tell you that. When I came into claims I had zero experience. You don't go to school to learn about claims. Everything I had to know I was TAUGHT. I bring things to the table that you cannot teach: my personality, ability to work with all kinds of people, ability to work independently or within a group, the ability to lead, the respect of my peers, my thirst for knowledge, and that internal drive that I will do my job and do it well, because it's not within me to put out shoddy work product.
If they can overlook all that, they've answered my question about whether or not it's time to move on to a new space outside of this company.
So, I'm taking the leap to find a new position. I had a phone interview two weeks ago for position, and now I have an in-person interview on Tuesday. I don't know why I'm feeling so nervous. Maybe because I really want to get away from where I'm at now. I think a lot of my peers are going to start looking, and I don't want to get caught in the rush of people flooding the job market. I want to move NOW, while folks are still debating.
I've gotten offers on every job I've ever interviewed for since college, except for one. And that didn't have anything to do with my skills, but with my credit report (ah, youth. LOL!). I'm hoping that streak will continue. If it crosses your mind on Tuesday around 3:00pm, send out some positive vibes for me. :)
Are you moving into any new spaces in your life?
In my yoga classes, my teachers are always challenging me to move into new spaces. To expand my flexibility and build strength. When I started, lots of poses had to be modified because of my inflexibility, or my myriad injuries (lol). Now that I'm stronger and a little healthier, I try to do the full expressions of poses whenever I can. I don't put my knee down in side plank anymore. I try to open my arms when I'm in my chair with a prayer twist. I reach for the floor in my side angle pose instead of resting my forearm on my quad. I love to feel my practice expand.
As far as my career, I've been in the same space for a minute now. The company I've been working for since 2008 was bought out by another company in our industry. The culture of the old company and the culture of the new company are like oil and water. Total opposites, and they do not mix. It's going to be a drastic change. And it's not one I'm sure I want to be a part of. Everything ain't for everybody...the older I get, the more I understand that phrase. They've pretty much showed us that they don't really care about the people. It's very "like it or lump it." Well, in a recession, most folks are not in a position to lump it. I can just see that it would eventually drain my spirit, which is no bueno. I desire to move up in the ranks, but I don't know if this is the place to do it. Do I really want to (essentially) start over somewhere else?
On a whim, I did post for an internal position, but I was really debating about what I'd do if they DID offer it to me. They call it a "lateral move," because they say that our job grades/pay grades from the old company are much higher than theirs. Translation: we'll move you to this position and give you more work, but we're not going to give you a raise. This internal position involves some files that are in litigation. I've had a small amount of litigation experience; the problem with positions that involve litigation is that they already want you to know how to handle litigated files. OK, well how can I learn if no one will give me the chance?
I kicked azz on the phone interview, and according to my current manager, they "loved" me, but their only concern is the litigation experience. *crickets chirping* You can pretty much teach anyone anything, unless you're just dealing with someone who has no ability to retain information. I'm not that person. Everyone I've worked under will tell you that. When I came into claims I had zero experience. You don't go to school to learn about claims. Everything I had to know I was TAUGHT. I bring things to the table that you cannot teach: my personality, ability to work with all kinds of people, ability to work independently or within a group, the ability to lead, the respect of my peers, my thirst for knowledge, and that internal drive that I will do my job and do it well, because it's not within me to put out shoddy work product.
If they can overlook all that, they've answered my question about whether or not it's time to move on to a new space outside of this company.
So, I'm taking the leap to find a new position. I had a phone interview two weeks ago for position, and now I have an in-person interview on Tuesday. I don't know why I'm feeling so nervous. Maybe because I really want to get away from where I'm at now. I think a lot of my peers are going to start looking, and I don't want to get caught in the rush of people flooding the job market. I want to move NOW, while folks are still debating.
I've gotten offers on every job I've ever interviewed for since college, except for one. And that didn't have anything to do with my skills, but with my credit report (ah, youth. LOL!). I'm hoping that streak will continue. If it crosses your mind on Tuesday around 3:00pm, send out some positive vibes for me. :)
Are you moving into any new spaces in your life?
Friday, July 15, 2011
Fruits and Nuts...Mostly Nuts
Aunt Betty: "Our family tree is full of fruits and nuts. Mostly nuts."
What's your family tree full of? Do you know your roots? I'm currently working on the trees for both sides of my family. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but never really got around to it. I just wasn't sure where to start. Enter modern technology, in the form of the iPad and an app called "Mobile Family Tree." I've spent a lot of money this summer, but I think this app is the best $14.99 I've spent in a long while.
I can remember two assignments in school - one in elementary school, and one in high school, both having to do with our family trees. In elementary school it was a tree diagram. It didn't have a lot of branches, but I remember being sad that I really didn't have much information to fill in. I want to say this was around 4th grade.
In high school, it was an 11th grade English assignment in Ms. Gingold's class. I remember her being in front of the class all giddy: "I want you to write about how your family came to be in the United States." Inside my head I was like, "really? OK. Slavery. The end." What the deuce? I remember being so upset about this assignment (I think it was actually a journal entry we had to write), but not knowing how to say, "this is some shullbit! What do you expect the black students in the class to do?" I don't even remember what I wrote. I fudged it and made up some stuff - but I made sure to throw that slavery in there - and all I really knew was that my parents were from GA. The end. But it always bugged me.
Side note: My BFF wrote a "protest" as to why this assignment was not fair to the black students in the class. Did I mention that I love her? She always had the guts to say the things that I was thinking, but couldn't quite articulate.
I don't know if my nieces and nephews have ever been asked to write anything about this. I just know I don't want them to feel like I felt. I felt ashamed that we had no info...and angry...and frustrated. People were coming to class with their stories about family crests and great-great-great uncle so and so coming over on such and such ship. I had none of that. And the ish was not my fault. And I'm sure no one cared, but I just felt stung by that whole situation.
So, I'm determined that we WILL have more information than what I had to fill into my anemic little tree in 4th grade. And THAT'S why I'm working on the family trees.
I hate that we let all these elders pass on in our family and didn't document more information. But it's been so much fun to find the info I've found so far. I didn't find out until our 2007 reunion that my great grandfather was married twice. My grandmother had a whole other set of siblings that I didn't even know about. It's been really hard to get information on them (my great grandfather was born around 1851), but I will do what I can.
And my nieces and nephews willNOTbe without info. And neither will their kids. :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Show Me Love
I was just reading on another blog, and the commenter said, "we all do not show love in the same way." Hmmmm. Yes, I guess this is true. Countless things can affect the way you show your love and affection for one another. Your background, when/where/how you grew up, and the people that you've met in this lifetime.
Me personally? I'm a "hugger." If I can give and receive a hug, that's the best. Some of the best moments with LDR are when he just hugs me and holds me. We don't talk or anything. We just hold on to each other. Or my sister...the one who retired from the military. She squeezes the LIVING BREATH out of me every time she hugs me. Like, I probably need a CT scan for cracked ribs, but I wouldn't have it any other way! In my family, we don't get off the phone with each other without saying "I love you." I know some people just aren't that vocal. I'm actually trying to think back to how many times my ex actually said that he loved me, and it wasn't in an email.. :::crickets chirping:::
Annnnnnywho (lol), I think part of showing people love is knowing what they like and HOW they like to be shown love/appreciated. Which I guess really only works if they reciprocate. For instance, I have a friend who just does not like to hug people. It's just not her thing. We would be at get togethers and people would try to hug her and then they'd remember, oh yeah, Y doesn't hug folks. I haven't seen her in quite a few months, but the last time I did she actually hugged me! I was like, "huh?" and it must have shown on my face, because she said, "I'm trying to do better with this." But I think she was ok with hugging me because I never tried to force her to hug me. Once she told me she didn't "do" hugging (lol), then I respected that. Others would be like, "well girl you need to get over that, I'ma hug you anyway." Um...no. That's not the way to approach that. Not if you want those same people to respect how YOU feel!
I think that people just want you to KNOW them. Know what's important to them and then act accordingly. People get tired of giving and getting nothing in return. So maybe what they're expecting is not what YOU would do. So what! If you LOVE them, then sometimes you suck it up and you give them what THEY need. Especially if they'd do the same for you.
As Tamar Braxton would say, "point blank period." :)
Me personally? I'm a "hugger." If I can give and receive a hug, that's the best. Some of the best moments with LDR are when he just hugs me and holds me. We don't talk or anything. We just hold on to each other. Or my sister...the one who retired from the military. She squeezes the LIVING BREATH out of me every time she hugs me. Like, I probably need a CT scan for cracked ribs, but I wouldn't have it any other way! In my family, we don't get off the phone with each other without saying "I love you." I know some people just aren't that vocal. I'm actually trying to think back to how many times my ex actually said that he loved me, and it wasn't in an email.. :::crickets chirping:::
Annnnnnywho (lol), I think part of showing people love is knowing what they like and HOW they like to be shown love/appreciated. Which I guess really only works if they reciprocate. For instance, I have a friend who just does not like to hug people. It's just not her thing. We would be at get togethers and people would try to hug her and then they'd remember, oh yeah, Y doesn't hug folks. I haven't seen her in quite a few months, but the last time I did she actually hugged me! I was like, "huh?" and it must have shown on my face, because she said, "I'm trying to do better with this." But I think she was ok with hugging me because I never tried to force her to hug me. Once she told me she didn't "do" hugging (lol), then I respected that. Others would be like, "well girl you need to get over that, I'ma hug you anyway." Um...no. That's not the way to approach that. Not if you want those same people to respect how YOU feel!
I think that people just want you to KNOW them. Know what's important to them and then act accordingly. People get tired of giving and getting nothing in return. So maybe what they're expecting is not what YOU would do. So what! If you LOVE them, then sometimes you suck it up and you give them what THEY need. Especially if they'd do the same for you.
As Tamar Braxton would say, "point blank period." :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Yoga Off the Mat: Flexibility
This week's yoga principle is flexibility.
According to Merriam-Webster, definiteion #3 of flexible is the following: "characterized by a ready capability to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements (a flexible foreign policy) (a flexible schedule)"
I was sleepy on Wednesday morning and a bit out of sorts. I really should have blogged this that day, so I'd remember more. Oops. LOL!
The first thing that came to my mind when Stacy mentioned flexibility was the physical act of being flexible. I mean, we're sitting on yoga mats and she's about to take us into a 1 hour routine that will most definitely require flexibility (don't even get me going on the crow push ups - whole 'nother post all together). Right?
But really, it was about you being flexible with what the world throws at you. If you're on the mat that day, and a pose just isn't coming to you, or you can't get it quite right, how do you react? Do you get frustrated with yourself and lose concentration for the rest of the class? Or do you continue to go with the flow (literally) and just do what you can?
The same applies in life. I like schedules and plans. And checklists. I get excited when I can check something off of a list. I feel like I've gotten something done. When I set a schedule/plan, that's what I want to go by. I get flustered if you (or life) come along changing the plan. In the past, I would let that throw my entire day off. I'd carry the pissivity (yeah, probably not a word but it is for the purpose of this blog, lol) into the rest of the day. At 4:00pm, still mad about what I didn't get to do at 9:00am and how it threw off my entire day. So that leads to stress and anxiety, and none of those are good for my health. See how that sucks?
I told Stacy about my initial thoughts in regard to flexibility...how I wasn't ready for all those push ups she had us doing in class - isn't that strength? What's that got to do with flexibility? I've been hoodwinked and bamboozled. Plymouth Rock landed on ME, man.
Her response: "I clearly stated that flexibility and strength are not mutually exclusive."
Oh. LOL! (well yeah, she probably didsay that, but it was 5:35am. Cut me some slack!)
There is strength in being flexible. We shouldn't feel like we're being weak or being defeated if we have to veer from the plan. It's ok. That's life! Duly noted.
So, take this lesson out into the world, my fellow yogis, yoginis and aspiring yogis and yoginis. Be flexible!
According to Merriam-Webster, definiteion #3 of flexible is the following: "characterized by a ready capability to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements (a flexible foreign policy) (a flexible schedule)"
I was sleepy on Wednesday morning and a bit out of sorts. I really should have blogged this that day, so I'd remember more. Oops. LOL!
The first thing that came to my mind when Stacy mentioned flexibility was the physical act of being flexible. I mean, we're sitting on yoga mats and she's about to take us into a 1 hour routine that will most definitely require flexibility (don't even get me going on the crow push ups - whole 'nother post all together). Right?
But really, it was about you being flexible with what the world throws at you. If you're on the mat that day, and a pose just isn't coming to you, or you can't get it quite right, how do you react? Do you get frustrated with yourself and lose concentration for the rest of the class? Or do you continue to go with the flow (literally) and just do what you can?
The same applies in life. I like schedules and plans. And checklists. I get excited when I can check something off of a list. I feel like I've gotten something done. When I set a schedule/plan, that's what I want to go by. I get flustered if you (or life) come along changing the plan. In the past, I would let that throw my entire day off. I'd carry the pissivity (yeah, probably not a word but it is for the purpose of this blog, lol) into the rest of the day. At 4:00pm, still mad about what I didn't get to do at 9:00am and how it threw off my entire day. So that leads to stress and anxiety, and none of those are good for my health. See how that sucks?
I told Stacy about my initial thoughts in regard to flexibility...how I wasn't ready for all those push ups she had us doing in class - isn't that strength? What's that got to do with flexibility? I've been hoodwinked and bamboozled. Plymouth Rock landed on ME, man.
Her response: "I clearly stated that flexibility and strength are not mutually exclusive."
Oh. LOL! (well yeah, she probably didsay that, but it was 5:35am. Cut me some slack!)
There is strength in being flexible. We shouldn't feel like we're being weak or being defeated if we have to veer from the plan. It's ok. That's life! Duly noted.
So, take this lesson out into the world, my fellow yogis, yoginis and aspiring yogis and yoginis. Be flexible!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Loss
Loss. It's a part of life. No one is going to stay on this earth forever. We know it's going to happen, but we don't necessarily know when and how. When you experience that loss, it's like your life gets thrown into this chaotic state. If you're lucky, you come out the other side with a better appreciation for life itself, and a better appreciation for WHY we need to do better at being present and focusing on the good things.
Last night, I woke up out of a dead sleep at 3:00am. I was dreaming about my dad. He was laying in the bed, like he was in the hospital when I last saw him. He kept trying to talk to me, and I was the only one who noticed that he was trying to talk. But I couldn't understand what he was saying. For whatever reason I woke up scared.
Today, an online friend posted today that she lost her son yesterday. He took his own life. I don't know her personally, but when I found out it felt like somebody gut punched me. Brought back some memories of when a family member attempted to take his own life. Thankfully, he didn't succeed. I can only imagine the pain this woman is feeling; her son was only 18. I hope that she can recover.
I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. I'm trying to listen and be mindful.
I hope that everyone who reads this is having a better day than my friend who lost her son.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Brothers
"Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk."~Susan Scarf Merrell
That's me, my dad, and my brothers - about 9 weeks into my life here in this world! My brothers were about 11 and 12. My dad would have been 34. That's crazy to me...at age 34 he had 5 kids and had been married for about 13 years!
Anywho, my brothers are coming to visit in May. I can't wait! There's something about having big brothers. It's definitely a different relationship than the one you have with big sisters...but you know your brothers have your back.
I was thinking the other day, whenever I finally DO get married, my dad won't be here to walk me down the aisle. But my brothers will be. I'll have one on each side, just like in this photo. I'll most certainly miss having my dad there, but the thought of having my brothers there makes me smile.
Do you have brothers? If so, are you close?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Asteya
If you don't practice yoga, just bear with me. I promise you this is something that can be incorporated into every day life, for pretty much anyone.
This morning, I was at my usual 5:30am Monday hot yoga class with none other than RockstarStacy. She said that this week's yoga principle was "asteya" - the principle of non-stealing. She touched on it briefly, and I didn't have a chance to really come back to it until I read Serenity's blog on contentment, as well as a post at Yoga With Amey Matthews about asteya.
From Amy's website:
Asteya: Non-stealing, Non-greediness, Not coveting that which does not belong to us.
I read the whole page, and this is one of the sections that stuck out to me: "...most of us still feel an occasional impulse to have something that belongs to another person, or something that is financially out of reach, and we are a bit less skilled at controlling these thoughts. To long after something activates a sense of "not-having-enough." When we foster this sense, we divert our awareness from the abundance of what we already have." (emphasis mine).
So, let's see. If I had to take a sheet of paper and take a note every time I felt myself wanting something that someone else has, or wanting something out of my reach financially, I could probably fill up an entire notebook. I think even if I kept track of that just for this week alone, I'd be overwhelmed. Then again, maybe I DO need to keep track of that. Then I can reflect on the why's of it all. WHY do I want that thing? Is it really something that a need and that would be worthwhile for me to pursue? There really are some things that aren't worth the time to covet. Like, I could really want Serenity's hair type to be growing out of my head, but guess what? Not happening! LOL! I'm only gonna grow the hair that my body is genetically programmed to grow. So I need to concentrate on appreciating and cultivating that - it's a much better use of time and energy.
Is there anything that you've found yourself really wanting lately, that has blocked your ability to focus on what you have and are blessed with RIGHT NOW? Do you keep a Gratitude Journal or some other means of helping you to focus on the things you're grateful for?
I had a gratitude journal, and I let it fall by the wayside. I'm going to pick it back up this week and focus on incorporating asteya into my life. Hopefully, it's just going to become more natural as time goes on.
This morning, I was at my usual 5:30am Monday hot yoga class with none other than RockstarStacy. She said that this week's yoga principle was "asteya" - the principle of non-stealing. She touched on it briefly, and I didn't have a chance to really come back to it until I read Serenity's blog on contentment, as well as a post at Yoga With Amey Matthews about asteya.
From Amy's website:
Asteya: Non-stealing, Non-greediness, Not coveting that which does not belong to us.
I read the whole page, and this is one of the sections that stuck out to me: "...most of us still feel an occasional impulse to have something that belongs to another person, or something that is financially out of reach, and we are a bit less skilled at controlling these thoughts. To long after something activates a sense of "not-having-enough." When we foster this sense, we divert our awareness from the abundance of what we already have." (emphasis mine).
So, let's see. If I had to take a sheet of paper and take a note every time I felt myself wanting something that someone else has, or wanting something out of my reach financially, I could probably fill up an entire notebook. I think even if I kept track of that just for this week alone, I'd be overwhelmed. Then again, maybe I DO need to keep track of that. Then I can reflect on the why's of it all. WHY do I want that thing? Is it really something that a need and that would be worthwhile for me to pursue? There really are some things that aren't worth the time to covet. Like, I could really want Serenity's hair type to be growing out of my head, but guess what? Not happening! LOL! I'm only gonna grow the hair that my body is genetically programmed to grow. So I need to concentrate on appreciating and cultivating that - it's a much better use of time and energy.
Is there anything that you've found yourself really wanting lately, that has blocked your ability to focus on what you have and are blessed with RIGHT NOW? Do you keep a Gratitude Journal or some other means of helping you to focus on the things you're grateful for?
I had a gratitude journal, and I let it fall by the wayside. I'm going to pick it back up this week and focus on incorporating asteya into my life. Hopefully, it's just going to become more natural as time goes on.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Yoga: Off The Mat
When I'm in class, Stacy often talks about taking our yoga practice "off the mat" - using what you learn in yoga and applying it to life. That is something I'm really trying to do. I went into this thinking that the yoga would just be physical - a good way to get my muscles in shape, and improve my flexibility, and work on deeper breathing. It's all that, but it's a bit more as well.
Sometimes, it just takes hearing an encouraging word or thought during class, and then I try to take that with me throughout the day. Last Wednesday, Stacy asked me how I was feeling. Usually the answer is "good" or "fine," whenever anyone asks me that. But that day, I just launched into my frustrations about gaining weight since I stopped running, despite my attempts at dietary changes. I was being extra hard on myself, 'cause...that's what we do! It's human nature. She told me I should treat myself as I would a best friend. I thought, hmmm. If Snoop came to me and she was beating herself up about weight gain, what would I say to her? Probably not, "well you shouldn't have ate those Late July cookies" or "you need to get your broken toe healed ASAP so you can get back to running." LOL!
So then, I did take a moment to reflect on the good that has come out of not running:
My take away from that class, which I posted on my FB status, was that it is what it is, things aren't going to change overnight, and I have to be more forgiving of myself. I've been doing that and I feel better.
Today's class was all about transitions. Merriam-Webster defines "transition" as the following:
a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change
b : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
With respect to our yoga practice that day, it was all about using your core muscles to help you move from one yoga position to the next. Stacy had taken a workshop over the weekend that focused on that, and she was eager totorture me share her new knowledge with me. Yay!
With every move, we focused on our core; squeezing pelvic muscles and breathing. She told me to pretend like I was holding onto an egg with my muscles, and that I didn't want to drop it. At one point during class, I told her that egg was cracked on the ground. LOL! We do a lot of laughing in class.
Anywho, focusing on the core brought new meaning, focus, and muscle tension to moves I had done several times before. It changes things up. As LDR would say, I was sweating like a sistah in a klan meeting, by the time we went to the mat! Whew! :::wipes brow:::
At the beginning of class we talked about how we go through life without paying attention to the transition. In yoga, if you don't engage your core and pay attention to the transition from one move to another, you don't get the full benefit of the movement. You have to use your inner core to get those arms and legs where you want them to go.
That's the same thing with life. Sometimes we need to slow down and pay attention to the transition. I KNOW I need to. My mind is constantly racing about what is the next thing I have to accomplish. What's my next financial goal, when's my next trip, what do I need to get done at work, when do I see LDR/my family again...meanwhile, back at the ranch, days are floating by and I haven't paid a bit of attention. Sigh.
Like I said on the book of faces this morning: It's good to move from A to B, but did you think about how you got there, or did you just move?
It's time that I start focusing on my inner strengths while I'm "making moves" out here in the world. :)
Sometimes, it just takes hearing an encouraging word or thought during class, and then I try to take that with me throughout the day. Last Wednesday, Stacy asked me how I was feeling. Usually the answer is "good" or "fine," whenever anyone asks me that. But that day, I just launched into my frustrations about gaining weight since I stopped running, despite my attempts at dietary changes. I was being extra hard on myself, 'cause...that's what we do! It's human nature. She told me I should treat myself as I would a best friend. I thought, hmmm. If Snoop came to me and she was beating herself up about weight gain, what would I say to her? Probably not, "well you shouldn't have ate those Late July cookies" or "you need to get your broken toe healed ASAP so you can get back to running." LOL!
So then, I did take a moment to reflect on the good that has come out of not running:
- My left knee (well, both my knees) feels better already, from the therapy/reinjury in January. I had gone to therapy for the tendonitis and was doing well. All it took was ONE cardio funk class to take my left knee back to where it was before I started therapy (well, pretty close, anyway). I was kicking myself for taking that class. Since I started concentrating on yoga, I don't have any problems with my knees. Child's Pose used to be a stress on my knee. I don't even feel it now.
- I can tell that my strength/flexibility has most definitely increased. And that's a good thing! It will help whenever I do start running again.
My take away from that class, which I posted on my FB status, was that it is what it is, things aren't going to change overnight, and I have to be more forgiving of myself. I've been doing that and I feel better.
Today's class was all about transitions. Merriam-Webster defines "transition" as the following:
a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change
b : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
With respect to our yoga practice that day, it was all about using your core muscles to help you move from one yoga position to the next. Stacy had taken a workshop over the weekend that focused on that, and she was eager to
With every move, we focused on our core; squeezing pelvic muscles and breathing. She told me to pretend like I was holding onto an egg with my muscles, and that I didn't want to drop it. At one point during class, I told her that egg was cracked on the ground. LOL! We do a lot of laughing in class.
Anywho, focusing on the core brought new meaning, focus, and muscle tension to moves I had done several times before. It changes things up. As LDR would say, I was sweating like a sistah in a klan meeting, by the time we went to the mat! Whew! :::wipes brow:::
At the beginning of class we talked about how we go through life without paying attention to the transition. In yoga, if you don't engage your core and pay attention to the transition from one move to another, you don't get the full benefit of the movement. You have to use your inner core to get those arms and legs where you want them to go.
That's the same thing with life. Sometimes we need to slow down and pay attention to the transition. I KNOW I need to. My mind is constantly racing about what is the next thing I have to accomplish. What's my next financial goal, when's my next trip, what do I need to get done at work, when do I see LDR/my family again...meanwhile, back at the ranch, days are floating by and I haven't paid a bit of attention. Sigh.
Like I said on the book of faces this morning: It's good to move from A to B, but did you think about how you got there, or did you just move?
It's time that I start focusing on my inner strengths while I'm "making moves" out here in the world. :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Say What?!?
Yesterday was a busy day at work. Mondays are generally our heaviest volume days. Lots of people are out of the office due to the holidays. One of my co-workers (who just got engaged - yay!) is out for the week. Another one, who works remotely, has been a butt and taken off every Monday this month (except next week, and only 'cause it wasn't available). She has done this several times this year, along with taking other heavy volume days off. She took today, too. *I* was supposed to have today off...but, I digress. Not the point of this post. ::side eye:: to her azz, anyway.
Some time after lunch, we all got an email. Something to the effect of, please join us for a conference call at 1pm. Umm hmm. It's Monday - I got 6 new claims, my phone is ringing off the hook, I ain't even leave for lunch. Oh - and you haven't told us what this little call is about. Yeah, ok. Next!
I promise you, of the skeleton crew that WAS in the office, 90% of us were not on that call. LOL! That's so bootleg, I know. But given that the email had no subject, and we weren't told what the call was about, we all kind of thought, "whatever!" Usually, if something is really important, our office manager will send out an email telling us that attendance is mandatory.
While that very short conference call was progressing, I was on the phone with a customer. I began to hear rumblings and grumblings around me, but I couldn't really focus on what they were saying. I couldn't wait to get off the phone with that man. Especially because, while I was on with him, we got an office wide email that we should meet at 1:30 to discuss The Call in more detail.
Uh oh.
I got him off the phone about 4 minutes before the meeting was to begin. I said to my co-workers, "OK - what happened now?"
Her reply? "They sold us to (name of competitor)."
::blink::
Um. I'm sorry. What??? I think I just hallucinated. Mind you, less than 6 months ago, we were fighting to keep this competitor from taking our account. The only account we work on in my office. If we had lost the account to them, I wouldn't have had a job. So...yeah. This sale is akin to Dunkin' Donuts saying, "we got into this coffee thing, and it was great. But now we just want to focus on our bread and butter - our donuts. So, we're selling our coffee operations to Starbucks."
Usually, when something this big happens in my industry, you hear rumblings of it WELL before it goes down. Trade publications, rumors from management at other companies, etc. We heard NOTHING. And judging by his reaction in the meeting, I don't think our office manager knew it was going down, either. Might be why we didn't get that "mandatory" meeting email.
When we walked in the meeting, my stomach dropped, 'cause the Grim Reaper was in there. Who's the Grim Reaper, you ask? Well, he's the HR Manager who handled the layoffs when this same company laid me off in 2005. You don't want to see him, 'cause that usually means somebody's gettin the ax. Well, I guess if he's the Grim Reaper, somebody would be getting the scythe. Anywho, whatchu doin' here, Grimmy? I need my job, man!
Long story short: we've been sold, but we're all going to be offered comparable jobs. That was part of the sale deal (insert sigh of relief here). All of this will be in place by the end of 1st quarter 2011. Grimmy is just there to help us with the HR questions of it all. How will benefits terminate, what happens to 401Ks, cash balance pensions, PTO, etc. Oh. A'ight. Good lookin' out, GR. Don't touch me, though. I choose corporate life, I promise!
My new year is starting out crazy, and it's still December! Word? Word.
My take aways:
1. When you get an email telling you to get on a conference call, get on the dang call. :lol:
2. Expect the unexpected!
3. Change is inevitable.
That's the ball game! Thanks for comin' out. It's been real. Tip your waiter on your way out.
Some time after lunch, we all got an email. Something to the effect of, please join us for a conference call at 1pm. Umm hmm. It's Monday - I got 6 new claims, my phone is ringing off the hook, I ain't even leave for lunch. Oh - and you haven't told us what this little call is about. Yeah, ok. Next!
I promise you, of the skeleton crew that WAS in the office, 90% of us were not on that call. LOL! That's so bootleg, I know. But given that the email had no subject, and we weren't told what the call was about, we all kind of thought, "whatever!" Usually, if something is really important, our office manager will send out an email telling us that attendance is mandatory.
While that very short conference call was progressing, I was on the phone with a customer. I began to hear rumblings and grumblings around me, but I couldn't really focus on what they were saying. I couldn't wait to get off the phone with that man. Especially because, while I was on with him, we got an office wide email that we should meet at 1:30 to discuss The Call in more detail.
Uh oh.
I got him off the phone about 4 minutes before the meeting was to begin. I said to my co-workers, "OK - what happened now?"
Her reply? "They sold us to (name of competitor)."
::blink::
Um. I'm sorry. What??? I think I just hallucinated. Mind you, less than 6 months ago, we were fighting to keep this competitor from taking our account. The only account we work on in my office. If we had lost the account to them, I wouldn't have had a job. So...yeah. This sale is akin to Dunkin' Donuts saying, "we got into this coffee thing, and it was great. But now we just want to focus on our bread and butter - our donuts. So, we're selling our coffee operations to Starbucks."
Usually, when something this big happens in my industry, you hear rumblings of it WELL before it goes down. Trade publications, rumors from management at other companies, etc. We heard NOTHING. And judging by his reaction in the meeting, I don't think our office manager knew it was going down, either. Might be why we didn't get that "mandatory" meeting email.
When we walked in the meeting, my stomach dropped, 'cause the Grim Reaper was in there. Who's the Grim Reaper, you ask? Well, he's the HR Manager who handled the layoffs when this same company laid me off in 2005. You don't want to see him, 'cause that usually means somebody's gettin the ax. Well, I guess if he's the Grim Reaper, somebody would be getting the scythe. Anywho, whatchu doin' here, Grimmy? I need my job, man!
Long story short: we've been sold, but we're all going to be offered comparable jobs. That was part of the sale deal (insert sigh of relief here). All of this will be in place by the end of 1st quarter 2011. Grimmy is just there to help us with the HR questions of it all. How will benefits terminate, what happens to 401Ks, cash balance pensions, PTO, etc. Oh. A'ight. Good lookin' out, GR. Don't touch me, though. I choose corporate life, I promise!
My new year is starting out crazy, and it's still December! Word? Word.
My take aways:
1. When you get an email telling you to get on a conference call, get on the dang call. :lol:
2. Expect the unexpected!
3. Change is inevitable.
That's the ball game! Thanks for comin' out. It's been real. Tip your waiter on your way out.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
'Tis The Season...But Not For Me
I haven't celebrated Christmas since 2007. I didn't do much in 2008 because I had just moved into my apartment, and I had thrown my tree out because it was broken. And I just frankly wasn't in the "spirit" of Christmas. I was still very hurt and upset over everything that went down with E. Wanted no parts of it.
Then in 2009, I met Roll Bounce. I've talked about him before. Anywho, he asked me one day at the skating rink if I went to church. I told him I did not, because while I believe in God, there's just too much foolery going on in the churches. Stuff I've seen up close and personal, and just frankly don't want to be bothered with. Not to mention, I just never felt totally comfortable in church anyway.
So, he started telling me about Siniatic congregation he attended. They speak Hebrew, and really concentrate on studying what it says in the Bible (especially the Old Testament)- no more, no less. No extra interpretation, etc. He told me how he initially was a 7th Day Adventist, but then someone introduced him to the Tabernacle and he's been there ever since.
Of course, I was just sitting there listening to him like, "yeah, ok." I'm not going there either, dang it. But then, he had more of my attention. Why? He started talking about all the RESEARCH he had done. Everyone who knows me knows I'm a stickler for the facts/research. I love numbers and sources and all of that.
I need to go back a moment. The Mason didn't celebrate Christmas, either. When I was dating him, I still did. He started telling me all these things about Christmas and its history and I just refused to listen to him. But it always stuck in the back of my mind. I refused to research it then, because I didn't want him to be right.
So, when RB started talking to me and giving me some things to look up - both in the Bible and throughout history - it started to jibe with what The Mason had said. Well, dang. I did not want that fool to be correct. But it turns out he was. Ugh!
I'm not going to get into all the details here, but if you want some things to look up, start looking at the history of the Christmas tree. Or start combing through the Bible for specific references to the date of Christ's birth. Or you can just read here.
I spent a lot of years just doing things because, "that's how we always did them." I never questioned the reasons or the origins of anything. Don't get me wrong - I'll always have warm memories of the times I spent with my family during the Christmas holiday. Honestly, our focus was not on the religious aspect of the holiday, anyway. It's just not for me anymore.
I don't write this to try and come down on anybody who celebrates the holiday. We all have our own beliefs, and we have to do what's best for us. This is just what I choose to do for me. I know a lot of people seem put off when I tell them I don't celebrate Christmas. They assume I'm Muslim now, or who knows what.
This is just me. And Lord knows I am NOT perfect. So, now you have a little deeper glimpse into how I think.
Then in 2009, I met Roll Bounce. I've talked about him before. Anywho, he asked me one day at the skating rink if I went to church. I told him I did not, because while I believe in God, there's just too much foolery going on in the churches. Stuff I've seen up close and personal, and just frankly don't want to be bothered with. Not to mention, I just never felt totally comfortable in church anyway.
So, he started telling me about Siniatic congregation he attended. They speak Hebrew, and really concentrate on studying what it says in the Bible (especially the Old Testament)- no more, no less. No extra interpretation, etc. He told me how he initially was a 7th Day Adventist, but then someone introduced him to the Tabernacle and he's been there ever since.
Of course, I was just sitting there listening to him like, "yeah, ok." I'm not going there either, dang it. But then, he had more of my attention. Why? He started talking about all the RESEARCH he had done. Everyone who knows me knows I'm a stickler for the facts/research. I love numbers and sources and all of that.
I need to go back a moment. The Mason didn't celebrate Christmas, either. When I was dating him, I still did. He started telling me all these things about Christmas and its history and I just refused to listen to him. But it always stuck in the back of my mind. I refused to research it then, because I didn't want him to be right.
So, when RB started talking to me and giving me some things to look up - both in the Bible and throughout history - it started to jibe with what The Mason had said. Well, dang. I did not want that fool to be correct. But it turns out he was. Ugh!
I'm not going to get into all the details here, but if you want some things to look up, start looking at the history of the Christmas tree. Or start combing through the Bible for specific references to the date of Christ's birth. Or you can just read here.
I spent a lot of years just doing things because, "that's how we always did them." I never questioned the reasons or the origins of anything. Don't get me wrong - I'll always have warm memories of the times I spent with my family during the Christmas holiday. Honestly, our focus was not on the religious aspect of the holiday, anyway. It's just not for me anymore.
I don't write this to try and come down on anybody who celebrates the holiday. We all have our own beliefs, and we have to do what's best for us. This is just what I choose to do for me. I know a lot of people seem put off when I tell them I don't celebrate Christmas. They assume I'm Muslim now, or who knows what.
This is just me. And Lord knows I am NOT perfect. So, now you have a little deeper glimpse into how I think.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Feelings
That dang S23...always got me thinking about stuff. LOL!
Today, she wrote a post about how something someone says to you in your past, can continue to haunt you. You're conscious about it, but not sure what to do to break the thoughts.
I used to date this guy - I'll call him, The Mason. The Mason had some insecurities of his own. Which I knew about, and tried my best to assure him that those things he was worried about were not an issue with me. It didn't really matter.
Anywho, one of the commenters at S23's spot mentioned that she had dated someone in the past who said that she was overly-emotional. So that made me think of The Mason. He really didn't show his emotions that much.
One day, shortly after I got the Max-initi, I was driving through the countryside of Henry County, on my way to the WalMart in Stockbridge. I hit this &^%$*! pothole and it took out my right front tire. I mean, took it OUT. Bent the ($900) rim and messed up the tire. I pulled to the side of the road and into this church parking lot. People were coming out of this church, but no one really offered to help. Finally, the pastor himself came out and he offered to help me change the tire.
Problem? We couldn't find the key for the wheel locks. Why someone would want to steal some factory rims off a Maxima I do not know (oh wait - 'cause they cost $900 to replace!)...but all the wheels have a lock. We searched the trunk, the glove compartment, everywhere - we could not find that dang lock.
I thanked him for his help, and told him I'd just figure out something else to do. Now this was a Sunday. The Mason always used Sundays as his veg out days. So he'd go to the movies or do whatever. Fine. No biggie. I enjoy my alone time. When I first hit the hole, I called him and left a message to the affect of, "hey...you're probably at the movies so you may not hear the phone, but I just hit a pothole..." I didn't expressly say, "call me back because I need help" - but whatever I said (this was 2006 so I don't remember exactly) conveyed that I clearly needed help.
By the time we finished trying to change the tire, he STILL hadn't called. I call him, get voice mail, hang up. Call back. Rinse, repeat. I had to call my friend D and have him look up towing companies for me (I didn't have a smart phone back then), and I called one and had them come en route to tow the car to the Nissan dealership.
Finally, this BAMA calls me back. I'm like, dude - really? When have I ever just called and hung up, called and hung up? Why didn't you call me back?? His answer was, that I didn't say I needed him to call back.
*crickets chirping*
Then he's telling me how I need to take down his dad's number, because his dad lived the next town over and could have helped. Fool, I called YOU! I don't care about your Dad's number! What the deuce?!?
So the whole way back to his house I'm just steaming. Like, I can't believe I'm calling you and calling you, and I guess you called yourself ignoring me. What if I was on the side of the road in Klan Country? Then what? By the time we get to the house I'm just livid. I'm not speaking at all.
He goes in the room, and he's watching tv. I come to the door. I think he asked me about where the car was towed to, or something. I don't even remember. Eventually, I tried to talk in a calm, even manner and ask him WHY he would just be ignoring my calls, etc. I started crying. I cry when I'm sad, but I also cry when I'm angry. This was one of those angry times. Meanwhile, this jackwagon is looking at me like I've sprouted a 3rd eye on my forehead, and his response to this is, "well why are you crying? You just get so emotional and it's not anything to cry about."
Really?
OK. Needless to say, he was fired shortly after this. The next day, he had to leave out of town on a trip. I woke up feeling like crap and called in to work. I couldn't go anyway, 'cause Nissan had my car. When they called me, I just told them to go ahead and replace the rim. Now, I work in insurance. I know all about refurbished wheels. But I didn't have time to be calling around to find one, and I just needed my car back. You can't live on the outskirts of ATL without a vehicle, man.
He calls later that day, and I tell him they're replacing the rim and the tire and it will cost $X. He's like, "well you just do stuff without thinking. That's a lot of money. You could have gotten a used wheel...blah blah blah." I cut him off. Um, are you here? You got all this advice, did YOU call and try to find me a wheel? No? OK. Get off my phone. I'M PAYING FOR IT. I haven't asked you for anything. Peace out."
Before this whole thing, I never felt like I had to hold in emotions or keep them in check. After that, I was leery of a guy thinking I was too emotional. Even with E, the last person I was serious with before LDR, same thing. And like S23 said, "why?" Why should we have to censor who we are? I'm mad that I even entertained that fools thoughts about how *I* should feel about things and how I should react.
Just another reason to be thankful for LDR. He just gets it, and he gets me. Like, the whole mini-meltdown. Who knows what The Mason and E would have said/done in that situation. LDR just took it in stride and let me be me. And I've realized that I don't have to worry about hiding my emotions with him, and he doesn't hide his with me.
I am really going to sit back and think if I'm letting myself be affected by anything else that any of these prior jackwagons have said. I don't want to be bringing excess baggage into my current relationship. I'm glad S23 wrote about this today.
Today, she wrote a post about how something someone says to you in your past, can continue to haunt you. You're conscious about it, but not sure what to do to break the thoughts.
I used to date this guy - I'll call him, The Mason. The Mason had some insecurities of his own. Which I knew about, and tried my best to assure him that those things he was worried about were not an issue with me. It didn't really matter.
Anywho, one of the commenters at S23's spot mentioned that she had dated someone in the past who said that she was overly-emotional. So that made me think of The Mason. He really didn't show his emotions that much.
One day, shortly after I got the Max-initi, I was driving through the countryside of Henry County, on my way to the WalMart in Stockbridge. I hit this &^%$*! pothole and it took out my right front tire. I mean, took it OUT. Bent the ($900) rim and messed up the tire. I pulled to the side of the road and into this church parking lot. People were coming out of this church, but no one really offered to help. Finally, the pastor himself came out and he offered to help me change the tire.
Problem? We couldn't find the key for the wheel locks. Why someone would want to steal some factory rims off a Maxima I do not know (oh wait - 'cause they cost $900 to replace!)...but all the wheels have a lock. We searched the trunk, the glove compartment, everywhere - we could not find that dang lock.
I thanked him for his help, and told him I'd just figure out something else to do. Now this was a Sunday. The Mason always used Sundays as his veg out days. So he'd go to the movies or do whatever. Fine. No biggie. I enjoy my alone time. When I first hit the hole, I called him and left a message to the affect of, "hey...you're probably at the movies so you may not hear the phone, but I just hit a pothole..." I didn't expressly say, "call me back because I need help" - but whatever I said (this was 2006 so I don't remember exactly) conveyed that I clearly needed help.
By the time we finished trying to change the tire, he STILL hadn't called. I call him, get voice mail, hang up. Call back. Rinse, repeat. I had to call my friend D and have him look up towing companies for me (I didn't have a smart phone back then), and I called one and had them come en route to tow the car to the Nissan dealership.
Finally, this BAMA calls me back. I'm like, dude - really? When have I ever just called and hung up, called and hung up? Why didn't you call me back?? His answer was, that I didn't say I needed him to call back.
*crickets chirping*
Then he's telling me how I need to take down his dad's number, because his dad lived the next town over and could have helped. Fool, I called YOU! I don't care about your Dad's number! What the deuce?!?
So the whole way back to his house I'm just steaming. Like, I can't believe I'm calling you and calling you, and I guess you called yourself ignoring me. What if I was on the side of the road in Klan Country? Then what? By the time we get to the house I'm just livid. I'm not speaking at all.
He goes in the room, and he's watching tv. I come to the door. I think he asked me about where the car was towed to, or something. I don't even remember. Eventually, I tried to talk in a calm, even manner and ask him WHY he would just be ignoring my calls, etc. I started crying. I cry when I'm sad, but I also cry when I'm angry. This was one of those angry times. Meanwhile, this jackwagon is looking at me like I've sprouted a 3rd eye on my forehead, and his response to this is, "well why are you crying? You just get so emotional and it's not anything to cry about."
Really?
OK. Needless to say, he was fired shortly after this. The next day, he had to leave out of town on a trip. I woke up feeling like crap and called in to work. I couldn't go anyway, 'cause Nissan had my car. When they called me, I just told them to go ahead and replace the rim. Now, I work in insurance. I know all about refurbished wheels. But I didn't have time to be calling around to find one, and I just needed my car back. You can't live on the outskirts of ATL without a vehicle, man.
He calls later that day, and I tell him they're replacing the rim and the tire and it will cost $X. He's like, "well you just do stuff without thinking. That's a lot of money. You could have gotten a used wheel...blah blah blah." I cut him off. Um, are you here? You got all this advice, did YOU call and try to find me a wheel? No? OK. Get off my phone. I'M PAYING FOR IT. I haven't asked you for anything. Peace out."
Before this whole thing, I never felt like I had to hold in emotions or keep them in check. After that, I was leery of a guy thinking I was too emotional. Even with E, the last person I was serious with before LDR, same thing. And like S23 said, "why?" Why should we have to censor who we are? I'm mad that I even entertained that fools thoughts about how *I* should feel about things and how I should react.
Just another reason to be thankful for LDR. He just gets it, and he gets me. Like, the whole mini-meltdown. Who knows what The Mason and E would have said/done in that situation. LDR just took it in stride and let me be me. And I've realized that I don't have to worry about hiding my emotions with him, and he doesn't hide his with me.
I am really going to sit back and think if I'm letting myself be affected by anything else that any of these prior jackwagons have said. I don't want to be bringing excess baggage into my current relationship. I'm glad S23 wrote about this today.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
And Just Like That...
...it's over.
Well, maybe not "just." I spent a week making decisions, taking care of financial matters, calling the funeral home when they weren't calling me like they were supposed to, getting Dad's suit outta the cleaners, stressing, not sleeping, etc. I still have a few things left to do in relation to his final checks from his pension and SSA, and then one more piece of paperwork related to letting life insurance pay the funeral home directly.
Everyone said the service was beautiful. My aunt bought her flowers yesterday, and we chuckled because she picked the same color theme that I picked for the flowers from us kids and the grandkids. We had so many cards and flowers from people that I haven't talked to or seen in years. My eFriends from Twitter sent a beautiful bouquet, but the florist was on CP time and didn't deliver until after the service. How that happened, I don't know. But they made sure to bring the flowers to me at the repast. We have so many cards! We'll be sending out "thank you" cards for a minute.
Not that I wasn't proud of my dad before, but in the midst of all the tears and sadness, it was nice to hear people get up and talk about the impact of his life. How he had one of the first black owned grocery stores in Syracuse. There was another business owner there, who talked about how he'd known my dad since he moved to Syracuse...and how way back when, they both talked about starting their own businesses. And they both went on to do it. Choir members talked about how much they would miss singing with him. How they would see him walking to choir rehearsal and they'd offer a ride, but he'd refuse.
If you recall, I mentioned that my dad sang "In The Garden" at my grandma's funeral just 3 weeks ago. I had mentioned to the deacon that I'd like for the choir to do that song. Unfortunately, he never passed along that message. When the head musician came up and asked me if we'd mind if the Men's Chorus (my dad sang with them, too) did a number, I told him that would be fine. Then I asked him about the song. He said he didn't know. Instead of singing, he played it as a prelude before the first prayer. That was ok with me. I could hear my dad singing along, anyway.
And apparently, the Men's Chorus has not sung together in years (they made changes to all the choir line ups) and decided to get back together to honor my dad. The last song they sang was one that he used to lead. Well, apparently he just started leading it recently. The head musician told me a story about how my dad told HIM that he auditioned to sing lead on the song 20 years ago, and the keyboardist told him he couldn't sing it because he had a "tremble" in his voice. LOL! Robert (keyboardist) said he didn't remember telling him that, but that Dad remembered it 20 years later. He had a sharp mind - so I'm betting the story is true. After all, remember the previous blog about his ring. :)
The pastor preached about Dad having his own business and the struggles that business owners go through, and how sometimes the only thing they have to cling to is their faith. Maybe they make a decision that they're not sure of, and they start to doubt. But they have to have faith that it was the right thing and that their business is meant to be. I believe my dad had that faith. Unfortunately, a bunch of factors in the 80s (including Reagan-omics) lead to the demise of his second store (the first one burned in a fire).
People ask me all the time, why don't you sell your body butter mixtures full time, or start a natural hair care business. Having earned my MBA, I'm aware of the size of that undertaking, and it scares me. Not to mention, needing to have a better grip on my finances. And then I think, "my dad did it with a high school diploma. And he did it twice." Something to mull on, I guess.
We had a nice turn out for the repast, and an abundance of food. So much, that we have pans of food that we've had to stuff into my mom's 2nd fridge in the basement. Somebody needs to come help us eat this stuff. I feel really blessed that my aunts came up from Savannah. I feel closer to them somehow. Which seems sort of backwards, but in 2011 I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with them. We are my dad's legacy, and we need to keep the family connected.
Everyone is home, or on their way home, now. I think we're all reflecting on the day in our own way. It's hard to believe I've only been here for 13 days. It seems like much longer. A lot has gone on in the past 3 weeks. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears, but also laughter and smiles as we reminisce about Dad. LDR even got up and told the story about Dad and his ring at the hospital. That made me smile. They had some kind of connection in that short time they knew each other. I can tell that Dad really liked him.
I think now, Dad is smiling down on us. I think he's proud of all 5 of his kids. And I don't think we said anything about him today, that we hadn't told him before he passed. Just like with my grandma, we are his legacy. We're going to do our best to carry on.
Well, maybe not "just." I spent a week making decisions, taking care of financial matters, calling the funeral home when they weren't calling me like they were supposed to, getting Dad's suit outta the cleaners, stressing, not sleeping, etc. I still have a few things left to do in relation to his final checks from his pension and SSA, and then one more piece of paperwork related to letting life insurance pay the funeral home directly.
Everyone said the service was beautiful. My aunt bought her flowers yesterday, and we chuckled because she picked the same color theme that I picked for the flowers from us kids and the grandkids. We had so many cards and flowers from people that I haven't talked to or seen in years. My eFriends from Twitter sent a beautiful bouquet, but the florist was on CP time and didn't deliver until after the service. How that happened, I don't know. But they made sure to bring the flowers to me at the repast. We have so many cards! We'll be sending out "thank you" cards for a minute.
Not that I wasn't proud of my dad before, but in the midst of all the tears and sadness, it was nice to hear people get up and talk about the impact of his life. How he had one of the first black owned grocery stores in Syracuse. There was another business owner there, who talked about how he'd known my dad since he moved to Syracuse...and how way back when, they both talked about starting their own businesses. And they both went on to do it. Choir members talked about how much they would miss singing with him. How they would see him walking to choir rehearsal and they'd offer a ride, but he'd refuse.
If you recall, I mentioned that my dad sang "In The Garden" at my grandma's funeral just 3 weeks ago. I had mentioned to the deacon that I'd like for the choir to do that song. Unfortunately, he never passed along that message. When the head musician came up and asked me if we'd mind if the Men's Chorus (my dad sang with them, too) did a number, I told him that would be fine. Then I asked him about the song. He said he didn't know. Instead of singing, he played it as a prelude before the first prayer. That was ok with me. I could hear my dad singing along, anyway.
And apparently, the Men's Chorus has not sung together in years (they made changes to all the choir line ups) and decided to get back together to honor my dad. The last song they sang was one that he used to lead. Well, apparently he just started leading it recently. The head musician told me a story about how my dad told HIM that he auditioned to sing lead on the song 20 years ago, and the keyboardist told him he couldn't sing it because he had a "tremble" in his voice. LOL! Robert (keyboardist) said he didn't remember telling him that, but that Dad remembered it 20 years later. He had a sharp mind - so I'm betting the story is true. After all, remember the previous blog about his ring. :)
The pastor preached about Dad having his own business and the struggles that business owners go through, and how sometimes the only thing they have to cling to is their faith. Maybe they make a decision that they're not sure of, and they start to doubt. But they have to have faith that it was the right thing and that their business is meant to be. I believe my dad had that faith. Unfortunately, a bunch of factors in the 80s (including Reagan-omics) lead to the demise of his second store (the first one burned in a fire).
People ask me all the time, why don't you sell your body butter mixtures full time, or start a natural hair care business. Having earned my MBA, I'm aware of the size of that undertaking, and it scares me. Not to mention, needing to have a better grip on my finances. And then I think, "my dad did it with a high school diploma. And he did it twice." Something to mull on, I guess.
We had a nice turn out for the repast, and an abundance of food. So much, that we have pans of food that we've had to stuff into my mom's 2nd fridge in the basement. Somebody needs to come help us eat this stuff. I feel really blessed that my aunts came up from Savannah. I feel closer to them somehow. Which seems sort of backwards, but in 2011 I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with them. We are my dad's legacy, and we need to keep the family connected.
Everyone is home, or on their way home, now. I think we're all reflecting on the day in our own way. It's hard to believe I've only been here for 13 days. It seems like much longer. A lot has gone on in the past 3 weeks. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears, but also laughter and smiles as we reminisce about Dad. LDR even got up and told the story about Dad and his ring at the hospital. That made me smile. They had some kind of connection in that short time they knew each other. I can tell that Dad really liked him.
I think now, Dad is smiling down on us. I think he's proud of all 5 of his kids. And I don't think we said anything about him today, that we hadn't told him before he passed. Just like with my grandma, we are his legacy. We're going to do our best to carry on.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Ornery
I feel generally ornery this morning. I'm not sure why. I just want to tell everyone to pound sand. I think my brain is just overloaded from the last 5 days. I need a vacation. But I don't get one for another 16 days, so I need to just deal. Sigh.
How's everybody else doing today? Good, I hope. Anyone got any funny stories to share? I need some laughter. Maybe I'll peruse blogs at lunch.
How's everybody else doing today? Good, I hope. Anyone got any funny stories to share? I need some laughter. Maybe I'll peruse blogs at lunch.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Home Sweet Home
I'm back in the QC. Had a flight SNAFU and I ended up coming home this morning, instead of last night like the initial plan. Bogey meowed my head off as soon as I got in the door. Unfortunately for her, I just came home to drop off my suitcase. I had to clear up an issue with the temporary tag on my car. After trips to the DMV and the dealership it is finally taken care of, and I have my permanent tag. Also had my 1K mile free service to make sure there are no problems and everything is a-OK. Shouldn't have to see the dealer again until my first oil change at 3,750 mi. I need Nissan to get on the Honda kick and get these oil changes up to every 5K mi. Anywho...even though I could have just taken the day, I decided to go in for a few hours of work.
On the "not-so-good" news front, Dad is back in the hospital. He has been retaining a lot of fluid due to the cancerous cells in his abdomen. Apparently this first course of chemo was not aggressive enough. So the cells/fluid have just been building up. He cannot keep any food down, so he's just literally wasting away. But his stomach and his legs are all swollen from the fluid retention. I mean, to watch him walk to the microphone at Grandma's funeral, it just broke my heart. He walked every so slowly; he was out of breath when he was singing, but because the congregation joined in, it was hard to tell unless you really listened.
Today he was supposed to go to the hospital to get a tube put in, that they would use to drain the fluid. Because of the fluid he has a hard time breathing as well as keeping the food down. Well, they went to put the tube in and his heart rate shot up. So now he's in intensive care. He also had a high level of CO2 in his blood - probably because he's had a hard time breathing. They have him on an oxygen mask now and that seems to be helping. I'm just concerned that now they STILL can't drain the fluid until his heart rate is more stable. I imagine he'll be in the ICU for a few days. My brother left the hospital to grab a quick bite to eat, and gave me this quick update while he was out. He DID say that Dad was awake and taking the mask off to talk when he left, so that's a good sign.
It just seems like, when it rains, it POURS and HAILS! Granted, my parents are divorced, but they still care about one another. On Sunday, my mom and I went over and cleaned up his kitchen, washed dishes, and took the trash out. I went to the grocery store and got some things he needed. My mom went back over yesterday to make him some soup to see if he could keep that down. I can tell that she's very worried. We all are. We JUST left from my grandma's funeral; we don't want to go back up there for another one. I really need him to go ahead and pull through this.
If they can get the fluid levels in check and get his nutrition in check, then I think we can move on to more aggressive chemo.
I'm not hugely religious, but I am spiritual. I do believe Yahweh and I do pray. So whether you want to pray, meditate, or send positive vibes, I think my Dad could use all of that. And then some.
On the "not-so-good" news front, Dad is back in the hospital. He has been retaining a lot of fluid due to the cancerous cells in his abdomen. Apparently this first course of chemo was not aggressive enough. So the cells/fluid have just been building up. He cannot keep any food down, so he's just literally wasting away. But his stomach and his legs are all swollen from the fluid retention. I mean, to watch him walk to the microphone at Grandma's funeral, it just broke my heart. He walked every so slowly; he was out of breath when he was singing, but because the congregation joined in, it was hard to tell unless you really listened.
Today he was supposed to go to the hospital to get a tube put in, that they would use to drain the fluid. Because of the fluid he has a hard time breathing as well as keeping the food down. Well, they went to put the tube in and his heart rate shot up. So now he's in intensive care. He also had a high level of CO2 in his blood - probably because he's had a hard time breathing. They have him on an oxygen mask now and that seems to be helping. I'm just concerned that now they STILL can't drain the fluid until his heart rate is more stable. I imagine he'll be in the ICU for a few days. My brother left the hospital to grab a quick bite to eat, and gave me this quick update while he was out. He DID say that Dad was awake and taking the mask off to talk when he left, so that's a good sign.
It just seems like, when it rains, it POURS and HAILS! Granted, my parents are divorced, but they still care about one another. On Sunday, my mom and I went over and cleaned up his kitchen, washed dishes, and took the trash out. I went to the grocery store and got some things he needed. My mom went back over yesterday to make him some soup to see if he could keep that down. I can tell that she's very worried. We all are. We JUST left from my grandma's funeral; we don't want to go back up there for another one. I really need him to go ahead and pull through this.
If they can get the fluid levels in check and get his nutrition in check, then I think we can move on to more aggressive chemo.
I'm not hugely religious, but I am spiritual. I do believe Yahweh and I do pray. So whether you want to pray, meditate, or send positive vibes, I think my Dad could use all of that. And then some.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tired
This has been one lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng weeekend. Saying goodbye to Grandma was a little harder than I thought it would be. I think because my mom had a hard time with it. She was at the nursing home with her pretty much every day before she passed. It was hard to watch her reaction.
Lemme tell you, my granny did NOT look like she was 99. She looked so pretty in her white outfit, with her white gloves and her hat. She had a white casket, too. Everything was beautiful.
It was nice to hear all of the comments from the people at her church. How she always had a kind word to say, and she would encourage people and always tell them to pray. All the activities she was involved in. That helped me to round out the picture I had of my grandma. Our families went to different churches (she went to the same church as my aunt), so I didn't know a lot about all her involvement and how many lives she touched.
My dad got up and told the story about how he went to my grandma to ask her if it was ok to marry my mom. He said he asked her, and my grandma said, "well did you talk to her yet?" We all chuckled. My mom is notoriously stubborn and sassy. He talked about how when Grandma lived with us, if they had a disagreement, she wouldn't take sides with mom all the time.
Then he messed us all up when he broke out with a verse from "In The Garden." Thank goodness LDR was there with me. He's been a great support system. Even got me to work out twice while I was here. Which is good, considering all the junk I've been eating.
The preacher told us during the eulogy that we were her legacy and that we should make sure we continue on passing down what she taught us.
I hope we can. :)
Lemme tell you, my granny did NOT look like she was 99. She looked so pretty in her white outfit, with her white gloves and her hat. She had a white casket, too. Everything was beautiful.
It was nice to hear all of the comments from the people at her church. How she always had a kind word to say, and she would encourage people and always tell them to pray. All the activities she was involved in. That helped me to round out the picture I had of my grandma. Our families went to different churches (she went to the same church as my aunt), so I didn't know a lot about all her involvement and how many lives she touched.
My dad got up and told the story about how he went to my grandma to ask her if it was ok to marry my mom. He said he asked her, and my grandma said, "well did you talk to her yet?" We all chuckled. My mom is notoriously stubborn and sassy. He talked about how when Grandma lived with us, if they had a disagreement, she wouldn't take sides with mom all the time.
Then he messed us all up when he broke out with a verse from "In The Garden." Thank goodness LDR was there with me. He's been a great support system. Even got me to work out twice while I was here. Which is good, considering all the junk I've been eating.
The preacher told us during the eulogy that we were her legacy and that we should make sure we continue on passing down what she taught us.
I hope we can. :)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Yes, There ARE Dumb Questions
Are we just getting sillier by the minute? I mean the country as a whole. Or maybe it's just the cross-section I deal with on a daily basis. Phone conversation I just finished up:
Me: May I speak with John Smith?
Female on the phone: He was supposed to leave at 4:00 but let me check if he's still here.
:::places me on hold:::
Female: Nope. He's gone for the day.
Me: OK, may I leave a message?
Female: Hold on.
:::places me on hold again:::
Male pics up: How can I help you?
Me: I was holding so I can leave a message for John Smith
:::gives him all my contact info:::
Male: So...you want him to call you back?
:::crickets chirping:::
Me, in my head:
No. I want him to take the note and wipe his butt with it. Of COURSE I want him to call me back! Really? Are you really asking me this? Why do you think I'm leaving the message??
Honest to God. I simply CANNOT with people sometimes!
Me: May I speak with John Smith?
Female on the phone: He was supposed to leave at 4:00 but let me check if he's still here.
:::places me on hold:::
Female: Nope. He's gone for the day.
Me: OK, may I leave a message?
Female: Hold on.
:::places me on hold again:::
Male pics up: How can I help you?
Me: I was holding so I can leave a message for John Smith
:::gives him all my contact info:::
Male: So...you want him to call you back?
:::crickets chirping:::
Me, in my head:
No. I want him to take the note and wipe his butt with it. Of COURSE I want him to call me back! Really? Are you really asking me this? Why do you think I'm leaving the message??
Honest to God. I simply CANNOT with people sometimes!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Is It Monday?
I see it's going to be one of THOSE mornings.
Look here, Tuesday. This is NOT COOL. I'm gonna need this day to be back in order by lunch time!
- Tossed and turned last night in my sleep. No restful sleep = bad start to my day.
- I get to work and hang up my clothes in the locker room, preparing for my work out. I look over into the shower and the shower head is hanging down. Someone has broken the plastic piece that holds it up. Later, this was problematic when I actually tried to take a shower. I was knocking bottles down and it was just a calamity of errors trying to get out of there without wetting up the whole locker room floor.
- I get into the workout room and I can't get the TV remote to work. The batteries are dead. The TV is up on the wall where only the Jolly Green Giant can reach it. Thankfully the remote for the DVD player works the TV.
- I jump on the treadmill, realize I'm thirsty. I look around - no water bottle. Why? Because when I took all my breakfast food up to my desk, I left it there. So I had to jump off the treadmill, run up there and get it, and didn't get started on my workout until about 6:35 - 6:40am. I had planned to get started at 6:15.
- The Blackberry is doing a remote software update and this thing has yet to get fully updated. I promise you it's been at it for about 2 hours now. Hurry up!
Look here, Tuesday. This is NOT COOL. I'm gonna need this day to be back in order by lunch time!
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